


Love of wisdom, and a complete lack of it.

by sleepyamericanteen



Category: Greek Philosophers, Original Work, Philosophy - Fandom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2019-11-08 07:31:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17977028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepyamericanteen/pseuds/sleepyamericanteen
Summary: Listen, I'm taking intro to Philosophy and all I can think about is getting all these philosophers together for modern-day banter. If you like philosophy but you also like comedy, you're in luck.





	1. Professorial Plagiarism

“Hey bitch, can you stop fucking impersonating me?”  
“That’s no way to speak to your TA.”  
“Plato.”  
“I have no idea what you’re talking about Socrates, but if I did, I’d tell you that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”  
“Cut the crap, Plato, I know you’ve been writing about my ideas, but you sprinkle in your own bullshit and dilute the message I was trying to convey.”  
Plato finally looked up from his desk. “Did you really come all the way down here to tell me this, professor?” he asked with a hint of a smile. “An email would have sufficed.”  
“Plato, I swear-”  
“Don’t tell me you’re annoyed. That’s practically what you do for a living. It would be laughable for you to be upset right now.”  
“Hhhh...one of these days I’m reporting you for plagiarism,” Socrates conceded, turning back towards the door.  
“If you’re so sure I’m copying your ideas, why don’t you let me ask a few questions? I thought you believed in expert until proven ignorant?”  
“I’m walking away, Plato! I’m walking away.”  
“See you at the department meeting!” he called back after Socrates, whose footsteps were disappearing down the hallway.

 

“I’m gonna kick his ass. I’m gonna kick his ass! The bastard has the nerve to steal my voice after the years I spent mentoring him,” groaned Socrates as he set down his papers on a table.  
“This is why I never took on a protege. Too much hassle.”  
“No, Diogenes, you never took on a protege because you’re the laziest faculty member the world of academics has ever seen. Getting dressed is too much hassle for you. You show up to your lectures in pajamas!”  
“I’m not lazy, I’m a willful non-participant in traditional employee expectations. I show up to my lectures in pajamas because the laws of the academic world are arbitrary and unnecessary. And besides, I’m tenured.” Diogenes put his feet up on his desk.  
“And you hate Plato.”  
“My distaste for your little pet project has nothing to do with whether or not I wear ‘appropriate work attire,’ Socrates.” He put up air quotes. “But if you ever actually get around to kicking his ass, I’d love a ticket to the fight.”  
“Certainly, if you can bother to get to it.”  
“Hmmph!”  
“You can’t even be bothered to come to my office to hang out. I always have to come to yours!”  
“I refuse to bend to the wills of others, but I have no quarrel with them bending their own to me.”  
“You’re a lousy friend, you know that?”  
“And yet you keep coming back to spend time with me.”  
“You’re the only one who shares my frustration with Plato. Everyone else just thinks he’s a genius. They forget I’m the reason he’s reached such acclaim.”  
“Acclaim means nothing, Socrates. Besides. It shouldn’t matter what Plato does or doesn’t do with your ideas. You’re the one who’s always going on about how we can never truly know anything.”  
“I hate when you’re right. You don’t deserve it.”  
“I might not be right. You might not be wrong,” Diogenes replied, taking a sip of coffee.  
“Maybe I’ll have to kick your ass after I finish with Plato.”  
“If you ever finish with him at all.”  
With an eye roll that oozed irritation, Socrates turned to the stack of papers on his table. The two of them spent the next hour or so grading, working, and passionately discussing (read- arguing) about various topics including, but not limited to: the weather, what meal was the most important of the day, what academic subjects had value, what ‘value’ meant, and then, when they decided to go out for drinks, where they ought to go.

Diogenes and Socrates had been friends since Graduate School. Both trying to get through the years of debt and long nights. They were friends possibly out of spite, and definitely because all the other people in their program refused to put up with the both of them. Socrates’ incessant questioning and Diogenes’ pervasive skepticism rendered them both the last choice in company for any sane person. After all, who would want to spend time with the two people who would continuously say, “But are you sure?” and “I don’t think that’ll work?” They were the only people who could curb the other’s irritating tendencies, and so they stuck together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im bringing in aristotle and alexander the great next chapter


	2. Second Dialogues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Socrates talks to Diogenes about Politics. Diogenes bothers Descartes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay, and sorry its so short but ugh i just got my wisdom teeth removed and im so tired, its a miracle i could write anything

“All right, Socrates, I’ve been putting this off for long enough. It’s a thursday night, we’re drinking…. Let’s talk politics.” Immediately, a grin spread across Socrates’ face.  
“It must be my birthday.”  
“Yeah, yeah, okay, shut up.” Diogenes put his feet up on the table in front of them.  
“If you ask me, there’s really only four main types of government that can be considered. All the other ones are just subcategories of these four. We’ve got the ideal, a timocracy-where a worthy, disciplined, athletic person rules, an oligarchy, wherein the children of the timocratic rulers become money hungry and create a class system in order to maintain their power, democracy, which follows after the rich have worn down their subjects have brought rise to socio-economic gaps, and finally a tyranny, rising up from the fear that lurks in a democracy.” He stopped and watched his companion for a response.  
“That’s what you think? You really think the ideal government is one ruled by only those who were already wealthy or educated should be in charge?”  
“Well...yeah.”  
“You’re fucking delusional. How would that make any sense? If there’s already unrest then the only way to create an equitable solution is to provide resources to all of the public, so that we can balance out the medium and build a stable foundation.”  
“I said it was the ideal.”  
“Socrates, babe, we are waaaayyy past that already. None of that is relevant to the way society stands today! In order to make peace you’d have to create an environment of contentment.”  
“I thought you wanted to hear my take on politics!”  
“If I’d have known how idiotic it was going to be I would’ve put earplugs in before you started talking.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 

“René, my friend, how’re your classes going? Still obsessing over that lump of wax?”  
“If you came here to patronize my research, you can just leave. I frankly don’t understand why you have such a problem with it, we essentially have the same view.  
“Yes, but, Mr. Descartes, your way of doubting requires so much effort. I can’t even fathom how much stress and worry you put on yourself with all this methodological doubt.”  
“Diogenes, do you even have a method by which to doubt things?”  
“Of course. I doubt generally, without consideration. My doubt is as unbiased and unchanging as anything could be. My doubt changes not with summer or winter.”  
“Sounds like a lot of fancy mumbo jumbo for ‘I’m lazy and feel like disagreeing with you.’ My doubt requires method in order to be credible to my peers in the world of academia.”  
“Whatever, workaholic.”

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter is testing the waters. I need a jumping off point. More to come.


End file.
